Who Was I Kidding?


Holy goodness!!! So yesterday I was all gung ho about starting the KonMari way of cleaning/organizing… Today I set out to filter through my clothes.  That is the first category the author, Marie Kondo, recommends beginning this process with.

I wonder how many days she spends at her client’s homes because let me just say my bedroom is still a mess! She recommends bringing out every last clothing item you have, not just from a particular room, but from the entire house.

Silly me… I thought this would be done rather quickly since I had purged most of my clothes having lost so much weight within the last 3 years.  I went from a size 14W to a size 2.  Easy, right? Well I was wrong…

Apparently, I kept all of the clothes for every stage of my weight loss journey… They just were not in my bedroom closet! Yup! Here I thought I’d be done in 2 hours or less… Pfft… Not a chance!

It’s amazing how much crap we keep and somehow compartmentalize it in our mind!!! Literally, out of sight, out of mind! Compartmentalize… Justify… However you want to say it… I didn’t realize I was still holding on to my fat clothes.

A Scarcity Mindset

As you know, for the past 3 years I have been dealing with this whole separation and divorce thing… I’ve been struggling to keep everything as stable as possible for Speedy while dealing with my own neurosarcoidosis and a few relapses. To say it’s been tough is an understatement.  Definitely character building material.

Money has been super tight.  Of course, when he left he took his check with him. I used my mom’s inheritance to support our household and Speedy’s expenses such as his sensory therapies, his allergen free diet, supplements, Dr appointments, dance, karate, and so forth… The ex only gave me enough to pay the mortgage.  And for a while, what he gave me didn’t even cover that 100%.

So, why was I hoarding my fat girl clothes? Upon forced reflection as I stared at a giant pile of clothes that didn’t currently fit me, I realized that I didn’t trust that I could replace them if I had to.

Why is this bad? I’ll tell you why… All these months I have been working hard in telling myself constantly that I am building myself up, that I am financially abundant and that I don’t need his checks to create stability for myself… Yet, I have been sabotaging it all along by allowing my actions to tell my subconscious that it’s all a lie! If I can’t even replace a pair of jeans, how can I be financially independent of him? Ugh, how self defeating is that?

Second, keeping my fat clothes means that I unconsciously plan on gaining weight and needing them again!  Why else would I keep them if they don’t currently fit? That’s just terrible!!! For me, weight = inflammation = pain = misery, and that’s the last thing I want to plan for!!!

Empowering Beliefs thru Cleaning

Instead of beating myself up for sabotaging my own progress, I decided to keep it moving. I started with the obvious items first, my fat clothes. I gently thanked each article of clothing for helping me through my transition and put it in the donation pile.  From that point on, I only kept clothes that gave me a “spark of joy.”  I continued through the piles, thanked each item I was not keeping and then added them to the donation pile.

Your worth consists in what you are and not in what you have.
Thomas Edison

I added clothes to the donation pile that I kept because a family member had given me and I felt guilty discarding it… I added all of the clothes that were too big for my current size but still kinda fit so I wore them anyway… I added clothes that I kept because they were expensive, like my corporate suits… I added clothes that I kept because I wore them for a special occasion although I would probably never wear it again because they were out of date.. I added clothes that I liked but kinda didn’t… I threw out clothes that had stains and had been demoted from outside clothes to in-the-house clothes…

Although it’s now late in the day and there is still a pile of clothes on the floor that needs going through, I am confident things will be better tomorrow.  This whole process has been liberating and eye opening. Not only am I being honest about why the things I am keeping make me happy, I am clearing away the cobwebs of self-doubt by letting go of my safety net.

I’m sure I’ll be on this category for a few days as I continue to organize and put away the items I am keeping… But, already, I have learned so much about myself and where I was mentally.  I am grateful I embarked on this journey instead of just filling more boxes and storage bins.

I look forward to the day I can honestly say that everything in my home has a definite place and every single item brings me joy.

What does the stuff you’re keeping say about you?

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