Not What the Dr Ordered
I wasn't always this cool....
LMAO!!! I have NEVER considered myself cool! But I have always wanted to be one of the cool kids, just so I could say that.... But I wasn't. Don't get me wrong. I hung out with the cool kids in school, but I just never really felt like I was one of them. Imposter syndrome, right?
Seriously tho. In the pursuit of my non-existent coolness, I did make a lot of questionable choices... See, most of my decisions were made based around approval seeking or the fear of what other people might think of me. Fear, fear and more fear. Of course, I totally denied it at the time....
This pattern would ultimately lead to my demise. Ok, so I exaggerate... Not actually not my demise, but definitely my health's demise...
Remember the shit show I was living in? Cheating husband, blah, blah, blah...? I'd love to say that's when my denial started, but I'd be lying.
See, growing up my mom used to say, "It's better they think you're sitting on a pile of gold instead of a pile of shit!" Pride was fuel for her. She was the Queen of 'Acting Like It Never Happened.' And if she had to admit it did, she would immediately worry about "what will the neighbors say" and shame the shit out of us!
No, I'm not blaming my mom. It was just how things went at that time. Who can relate?
Me and my mom at her retirement dinner.
Remember the shit show I was living in? Cheating husband, blah, blah, blah...? I'd love to say that's when my denial started, but I'd be lying.
See, growing up my mom used to say, "It's better they think you're sitting on a pile of gold instead of a pile of shit!" Pride was fuel for her. She was the Queen of Acting Like It Never Happened. And if she had to admit it did, she would immediately worry about "what will the neighbors say" and shame the shit out of us!
No, I'm not blaming my mom. It was just how things went at that time. Who can relate?
The only family photo I have. My brother Manny took it on New Year's Eve.
My dad was an alcoholic and mentally abusive.
But we never talked about it.
My mom suffered domestic violence.
But we never talked about it.
Both of my brothers joined the military to escape my dad.
But we never talked about it.
My dad killed himself in the garage.
But we never talked about it.
My mom used to beat us.
But we never talked about it.
I drank and smoked my way thru high school.
But we never talked about it.
My mom loved me and hated me at the same time.
But we never talked about it.
My mom was a victim of domestic violence.
But we never talked about it.
My dad was an alcoholic.
But we never talked about it.
My mom used to beat us.
But we never talked about it.
My dad beat my brothers way worse.
But we never talked about it.
Both of my brothers joined the military to escape my dad's judgement.
But we never talked about it.
My dad killed himself in the garage.
But we never talked about it.
I drank and smoked my way thru high school.
But we never talked about it.
My mom loved me.
But we never talked about it.
So when I grew up, I took mom's "turning a blind eye" to a whole new level! I literally made my eyes blind and almost permanently lost my vision.
It happened shortly after my son turned 2 and was diagnosed with autism. I ended up in the hospital for the first onset of total vision loss in my right eye. It came back with treatment but the doctors had no idea why it happened. They said it was a "fluke" and would probably never happen again, but about 6 weeks later I ended up back in the hospital with near total vision loss from the other eye. Ten days later, they diagnosed me with neurosarcoidosis.
My immune system was completely shot! I had ignored all of the clues it tried giving me over the years... I had suffered from debilitating migraines since I was 10. I was hospitalized for ulcers in 6th grade. My weight was inconsistent. I was chronically constipated since I was a kid. My menstrual cycles were more than 40-50 days apart due to my hormone imbalances. I suffered from undiagnosed depression. I was physically allergic to the sun. I had adrenal fatigue. I suffered from insomnia. I tested for very high levels of lead. I had a hiatal hernia. I got sick from wine and certain seafood.
But I told myself it wasn't anything to worry about... Everyone has something. It's normal, right?
My first of several hospital stays due to Neurosarcoidosis.
He Saved My Life By Leaving...
Our family photo before my neurosarcoidosis diagnosis.
So here we go with a new diagnosis.
For several years I was on some pretty heavy hitter drugs, plus the multiple hospital stays and out-patient treatments, all of which really took a massive toll on my body. With a bleak prognosis - blindness, possible onset of MS, stroke or seizure, systemic progression with eventual organ failure within 10 years - I started planning my own funeral.
But then he left.... Totally not what I expected!
I won't lie. I wanted to die when he left. And I almost did.
And for years all I could do was nurse all the emotional wounds that were created - not allowing them to fully heal, and maybe even making it worse at times. What I couldn't see was the amazing gift he had given me... The opportunity to start over. He saved my life by leaving me!
So here we go with a new diagnosis.
For several years I was on some pretty heavy hitter drugs, plus the multiple hospital stays and out-patient treatments, all of which really took a toll on my body. With a bleak prognosis - blindness, possible onset of MS, stroke or seizure, systemic progression with eventual organ failure within 10 years - I started planning my own funeral.
But then he left.... Totally not what I expected!
I won't lie. I wanted to die when he left.
And for years all I could do was nurse all the emotional wounds that were created - not allowing them to fully heal, and maybe even making it worse at times. What I couldn't see was the amazing gift he had given me... The opportunity to start over. He saved my life by leaving!
There is nothing like divorce to air all of your dirty laundry and shine a spotlight into every dusty corner! I couldn't deny any of it anymore... Not if I wanted to heal - and I definitely wanted to heal! And not just physically... I had a little boy depending on me and I, sure as shit, was not planning on letting him down!
So when changing my food wasn't enough to completely get me off of the prescriptions, I started learning other methods to support natural healing.
That's when detox, mindset, emotional management, energetic alignments and spirituality came in. It's like a scaffold effect. All layers of the same onion that was me.
It's amazing the clarity that happens when you realize the lies you have been telling yourself!
In all this, I realized I was living a life with no real mission. I was not being of service to others. I had no dream. No sense of direction. I was just living for others, following expectations that other people set for me. Making other people happy meant I was "safe."
Besides that, I had nothing to work for outside of having nice things and enjoying a fun vacation once a year.
Man, it's been a journey and a half! But soooo worth it because I found my mission, my purpose....
I am growing my personal empowerment coaching business to help people with chronic illness find the courage to start healing and the confidence to continue.
When I was a child I frequently felt fear, confusion, and abandonment, which later led to lots and lots of anger and resentment. I silently gave my power over to others. To my parents, to past partners, to my ex-husband, to all of my medical doctors!
Despite years of denial, all of these stuffed emotions resurfaced continuously throughout my life as different ailments and diseases that were slowly killing me.
I want others to remember they are worthy, they are lovable, and they are significant. And by me growing my coaching business, it allows me the opportunity to serve women who have lost their confidence by helping them to break free of their internal chaos, teaching them to begin trusting their inner wisdom and ultimately heal in all areas of their life.
Photo Credit: Edica Pacha.
Man, it's been a journey and a half! But soooo worth it because I found my mission, my purpose.... AND ME!
I help stressed out women, who are stuck in a routine they know is no longer working, release the need to people-please or self sabotage and find the courage to live a happier, healthier life they truly love.
When I was a child I frequently felt fear, confusion, and abandonment, which later led to lots and lots of anger and resentment. I silently gave my power over to others to feel safe. To my parents... To past partners... To my ex-husband... And to all of my medical doctors!
Despite years of denial, all of these stuffed emotions resurfaced continuously throughout my life as different situations, ailments and diseases that carried the same undertone... "Please save me." And this was very literally killing me.
I want others to remember they are worthy, they are lovable, they are significant and they are powerful! And by me speaking up about my journey, it allows me the opportunity to serve women who have lost their confidence.
They can break free of their internal chaos, learn to begin trusting their inner wisdom so they can ultimately heal in all areas of their life.
Because of this service, I get to work with amazing people and share my experiences. Whether it's helping you navigate thru chronic illness, finding your life's purpose, or just uncover a different perspective on emotions that are keeping you stuck... My goal is to remind you that you, my dear, are the master of your own life!
As a result, those I serve can go forth and empower others, creating a massive ripple effect!!
Are you ready to stop playing small?? ...BE MASSIVE!!!
It would be an honor to witness YOUR journey!
Let me know... Are you ready?
Let's Connect!
Let's Connect!